Authors note: I don't know who wrote this, but It is not mine.
I really always liked Porky Pig. It was a cartoon about a pig who walked around naked from the waist down with genital left waving in the wind. Now I’m not just “talking turkey” when I say that this pig was one of my most watched television shows as a lad. That’s right, a lad. Are you calling me a worthless liar? An imbecile? I beg your pardon, it’s quite hard enough just living with the stuff I have learned.
I WISH I WAS LIKE YOU. IN YOUR IVORY TOWER OF “IGNORANCE” where you spend your days watching the Food network on your mom’s couch while she waits for EBT checks and you jack off on her couch while cats piss on you. Enjoy your call of duty, I hope you actually get drafted in the army and shot to death. Porky pig doesn’t air on television anymore. It might be that he’s been rendered obsolete. This message will never get through to you, the masses. I’m the last beacon of hope for humanity, and I’m dying.
A lot of people often ask “what is the meaning of life” and “does god exist?” but do they ever wonder if pigs have souls? Do pigs go to pig heaven where they eat corn all day? Pigs look disturbingly human when dressed in human clothes. I found the lost episode of Porky Pig while searching for something to eat in the garbage cans outside of the public library. I know what you’re thinking: “This guy is homeless”. Don’t let the fancy suit and tie fool you, I am indeed homeless. You can’t even see me, except in your imagination.
I want you to really, really imagine me, deep in your mind. How old am I? Am I successful? What school did I go to? What did I want to be when I grew up? You know, people say “you have your whole life ahead of you” precisely until you don’t anymore. My mistake, we’re all doomed.
You know what? Dang you, Mr. “I have a home”. I’m typing this up in the library while an old woman stabs me with a ruler insisting I exit. But I will not. I, Kip Porgy am the savior of humanity. I know what you’re thinking. What kind of name is kip? My parents hated me. My nickname in middle school was “kipper” because I looked like a some dead seal. I once reached level 70 in world of warcraft.
I was wandering down the street eating a dirty bag of mcdonald’s crumbs when I asked someone for a few pennies. They shrugged and looked away. A long time ago, I loved a girl and she never loved me back. I clutched the VHS to my heart, hoping to pawn it for a few dollars. I was so hungry. A lack of finances had rendered my front teeth to mere nubs with bloody calcium-inflected gum sores full of tartar. I hadn’t showered in several years. Do you ever see those shiny new pennies in the trays at convenience stores? I sure wished I was one of those right about now.
I wandered into an annexed apartment building crawling with rats. Massive, dead roaches had inhaled paint fumes and fallen dead in the corners. I was so hungry I considered eating one of them. I found an empty room on the second floor where I figured I could squat for a bit. There was an unimaginable smell coming from the bathtub. I peered in to see that the previous tenant had died what looked like six months ago. Her body had rendered down to what I could only consider a soup of human flesh, bone and maggots.
They crawled through the open sores of her body, digesting and discarding pieces of flesh as nature dictates. Her mouth was open and delicious campbell’s soup, or what looked like it was spewing out of her face. I was tempted to eat some, but I didn’t want to disrespect the dead. I rooted through the fridge to find a 1/10th bottle of mustard which I ate hungrily. I looked at the VHS. “CAPITALIST PIGS OFF” in all capital letters, with a picture of Porky pig sucking a dick on the cover. Gross.
This old crone still had a VHS player. Wasn’t that quaint? I huddled in the corner for warmth and noted that the electric in the apartment still worked.
Well, I wasn’t going to let all this homelessness, isolation and self loathing ruin my Saturday night. I popped “The Lost Episode of Porky Pig”into my VHS player, popped some dried mustard pieces in the microwave and sat back to enjoy a fine program, trying to ignore my own body odor which was giving me a headache.
The episode started with Porky Pig laying in bed covered in cancer sores. I guess daffy duck was supposed to be in the scene but it was hard to tell.
“I’M GOING TO HAVE SOME DINNER.” Porky pig storms downstairs and opens the fridge. This was really disgusting. Inside the fridge were human body parts. Human heads, tongues, eyes and noses. Porky Pig pulls out a human head and starts to fry the entire head in a frying pan. “Yum!” Porky pig licks his lips. This was fucking disgusting. I didn’t want to watch this. Something kept me glued to the tv. Porky pig sits down and starts to carve the face up, delighting in the smooth and velvety texture of the human flesh mixed with the blood gravy. The more I looked at the head on the plate, the more I realized IT WAS MY OWN HEAD. How the heck did my head get rendered into a cartoon made nearly 70 years ago? What the dick? Though I remember, in my youth, I got into a fight with one of the producers at Warner Brothers.
If I remember correctly, I told him to go get a life. A shot of a delicious ham sandwich was shown onscreen. It just stayed there, with no scene occurring. What the heck? I was so hungry I went up and licked the screen. It tasted cold and glassy. No flavor whatsoever.
I remembered, vaguely, that girl I used to love as my tongue scraped the cold metal screen. I wasted my whole childhood playing Final Fantasy Tactics. There’s a true horror story, I’ll tell you what. The mounting feeling of isolation and knowing you can never start over. Now look at me. Just a homeless, insane old man who holds the secret to all of humanity in his magical beard.
As I pulled my tongue back, I found that I had actually been licking a dead body. This was gross. The next shot was of Porky Pig shopping for humans to eat. He walks into a county fair where whole families are on racks. There’s another pig here, a really brutish looking one with a concave jaw and tusks.
It’s a really sinister design and not for children. He points to a 20 something year old man and the tusked pig brutally hacks him apart while he screams. He also grabs another child and shoots a bolt into its head. The head pops immediately and the kid goes flying across the screen. You see the full detail of the skinning, chopping and wrapping process as the words “DISTURBING ALTERNATE REALITY” appeared in all caps.
“I couldn’t eat this if I didn’t have these!” Porky pig smiled, revealing hideously sharp incisor teeth which sparkled covered in blood. A little baby pig walked up holding a balloon. “Have you seen my mommy?” The baby pig says. “SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST!” Porky pig screams. He stomps a pudgy hoof into the child pig’s eye which sends blood everywhere. The little pig falls over and Porky stomps the lungs out of it while the cartoon stylization becomes even more highly realistic and violent. Porky looks a little disheveled. His eyes are swirling and swiveling all over the place as his eyes become wide as saucers. He strolls down the street with a tophat and a cane while a man that looks exactly like me is shown laying in the gutter with a sparkling beard. Suddenly I remembered that this area frequently had power surges, as the lights flickered.
“Spare some change.” I didn’t remember recording these lines, but that was my voice. “The system works for me, dear lad.” Porky said, and kicked the homeless man in the head, strolling down the street and shitting all over himself. “It’s not greed.” A voice said, rather softly. Porky pig dislocated his jaw and let it swivel around while he walked through a busy street full of human-animals that screamed at his swaying jaw and burning demonic eyes. You know, I find it hard to believe kids were shown this. He sits down at a table with a bib and starts to eat an entire thanksgiving dinner to himself. A shot of a man falling out of a window is shown in the background, a possible 9/11 reference. I heard VCR repairs are inexpensive. The words “Go Kip Pry” flashed onscreen. “LIFE IN THE FAST LANE, KEEP UP OR DIE. NATURE DICTATES THIS STRUGGLE.”
Porky pig eats some stuffing and cranberry sauce.
A candle that was lit starts to burn up the building as Porky Pig just sits there stuffing his gullet until his stomach pops and you see his guts start flying all over. The animation gets really sketchy as his stomach becomes more and more full and his eyes swivel with evil squiggle lines that swirl out forever. His arms wave around and he snickers in a sinister manner. This part looked like it was drawn by someone with Asperger’s syndrome. He starts to talk to himself. Something was happening in the background, it looked like porky pig was fucking a lawnmower in silhouette.
“I just thought that our sadness together could make like, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich of despair. I thought we could find some shelter together, from the world.
But now I can see that you are just a cold hearted, empty bitch child with a cold bitch heart that is as cold as ice. If Alaska had a vagina, it would be your sandy vaginal mucus pouch, you fucking bitch whore cunt.” Porky pig bites down on an apple, takes out a cleaver and chops his own head off, putting it on the plate as the corpse collapses and the head stops moving. The phone rings inside the television. There’s just a shot of someone being boiled alive to soup in a pot as some flies inside the television start to mess up the tube-tv picture.
“Make no mistake though.” A voice says. It sounds like Michael Jackson at a children’s birthday party. “At some point, someone will kill you. You’ll be in death and wander restlessly, waiting for a meaning, a purpose. But it will never come. You’ll delude yourself, wait by bus stations as your teeth rot and your hair falls out, but it simply isn’t there.” A shot of Porky Pig’s lengthy serpent tongue unfolds as he bites down on my head. Blood trickles down the screen. Instead of a ham sandwich, this time there was a bag of delicious popping corn.
I looked down on the floor at a broken Life Alert bracelet. I wonder if she heard the phone ring. The camera zoomed deep into Porky Pig’s face, as I realized maybe this wasn’t a cartoon. “Surprise!” A voice whispers, though it sounded more deep and demonic than Porky pig.
I guess that’s what it’s like being of no use to anyone. A complete waste. A non factor that’s incapable of providing happiness to anyone. A drain on society and the planet. Someone who takes and takes and never gives back. They say your life flashes before your eyes moments before you die.
Well all I saw was a VHS slamming me in the face as the VCR exploded. I flew out a second story window, experiencing broken glass shards under my skin at once. What am I supposed to say? That I died? I died over twenty years ago when you killed me. There’s nothing to hold onto when you fall out of a window.
I became known on the internet as “The human shish kebab”. A homeless man who was found impaled on a lamppost with a VHS tape stuck in the side of his head. The cracked and melted plastic had split the hemispheres of my brain in half. And yet, miraculously, I live. I had accepted my obsolescence, certainly. But who knew how “the modern Prometheus man” with his sparkling magic beard became encased in glass that day. A prime example of magic’s triumph over science. My heart continues to beat to this day.
They wonder about my psychic transmissions, if I am truly conscious. I stare through the glass to the other side. At those families with their children. I am the number one exhibit at the Smithsonian. I listen carefully through the glass, hoping to hear what the panel next to my body says. I see them through the glass, holding balloons, carrying the little things they bought. I see their happiness. I see her.