Rare Simpsons Episode
In Soviet Russia you have no Friends.
Part 1: Homers Decline. Part 2: In Soviet Russia you don’t work for mafia, mafia works for you
It was 4am and another Tuesday was upon us. I struggled to initiate sleep as slaps from my alcoholic neighbor beating his son rang heavy in my ears. So I decided to go downstairs for some solace, silence, and television. We had recently parted ways from the dreaded cable company and were surviving on basic television. You know, the one with the bunny ears antenna ears. I flipped through the channels and saw what one might expect in the wee hours of the night… infomercial, religious plugs, infomercials, and then something suddenly caught my eye. Could it be? The Simpsons at 4am on a local access television network. Anyways, I paused and began watching. The episode centered around homer and some troubles at the plant. Nothing out of the ordinary but also not an episode I had seen before. It appeared as though the plant was up for some sort of safety award. However, during the presentation of the award homer came running across the stage with his pants on fire. Sounds like a common enough situation, right? However, what proceeded next was unlike anything I have ever seen before. Homer was reprimanded, as expected by Mr. Burns, but his reaction was nothing typical.
As marge and Maggi are walking by they noticed Helen. Something was off with Helen. Her laugh was a little more evil and her snicker was a little harsher and there was a glint of red in her eyes. Upon returning home Marge began preparing the evening meal. Upon arriving home she had heard from Lisa that Homer had gotten into some trouble at the plant so she decided to make homer his favorite meal, pork chops with sawdust. However, unlike in the past the pork chops didn’t seem to have any effect on Homer. In fact, he took a couple sips of his water and proceeded to the couch to watch television remainder of the evening. The morning, as usual, Marge is cooking breakfast for the family and normally everyone is dining at the table. However, today there is no sign of Maggie or the pets. We see Bart at school with his friend millhouse doing the usual hijinks. However, one of the hijinks goes way too far and ends up getting them into a lot of trouble. And as expected marge and homer are there to defend him but when they get home homer strangles Bart, which is very unusual for this type of scenario. That’s not the strange part, later that evening homer strangles bart for no reason at all, it was out of the blue. But things got weirder still. After disciplining bart for nothing homer walks into lisa’s room where she has just completed her homework and is practicing the sax. Homer promptly requests that lisa hand over the instrument. She does with a puzzled look on her face and what happened next would be hard for lisa to ever forget. Homer turns on lisa, scolds her for spending too much of her life studying and devoting herself to music and other worthy causes. He then proceeds to take the sax and bash it against her desk until both items are rendered useless. Then, calm as ever, homer exits the room.
Sunday morning. Helen is passing around the collection basket at church as patrons begin to notice themselves getting warmer. Beads of sweat begin to form and drip off of the attendees. As Sunday mornings sermon wraps up a low moan can be heard amongst the congregation. After a long week of battling the flu, finding himself in a bit of financial trouble, and his great aunt sally dying Reverend Lovejoy has finally had enough. “That’s it people. If you think you can walk in here once a week, smile, sing, and listen to my sermon and that will be enough to get you to the pearly gates, well, then, you have another thing coming to you.”
At this point I got up to get something to eat and heard strange noises coming from the television. I looked back over and the light that reflected over the television was flickering intensely. I walked back, and strolled over to the key bin and grabbed my sunglasses to shield me from the strobe effect, out of fear of seizures. I looked back to the television and all of the stained glass panels of one color would light up, and then another light, and another in rapid succession. A giant clock fell from the wall and crushed 10-20 people killing them instantly. The fan on the ceiling kicked into turbo, causing a tornado to pick up hidden dust in the moon. Reverend Lovejoy’s podium exploded after he was mysteriously stricken by sleeping darts. A crystal ball on the ceiling fell and exploded into lots of pieces, similar to a ball of wacks would react if dropped from any height higher from 6 inches or about 8 centimeters if you are going metric. Turbo fans on the side kicked to high and the windows shattered. Rain was pouring in. I noticed out of the corner of my eye, amidst all the chaos and commotion that Helen had walked behind the alter and appeared off the stage and donned a devil costume, trench coat, and a skull mask. She opened her trench coat, revealing an arson of weapons and began ruthlessly killing as many poor souls as she could, smiling and laughing all the while. While her voice was distorted by some sort of voice disguising device, but I couldn’t tell you what it was because I don’t pay attention to those nowadays. In the midst of this chaos the screen cut to black, and all of a sudden a video from a SpongeBob creepy pasta appeared on the screen, with the caption Sponge Bob’s insanity. It was the part where Russian texts appear on the screen that translate to something like killer SpongeBob is after you. This was a clear indication that the recording has somehow been taped over before it aired. The screen then cut back to the Simpsons church scene. We see now Helen softly weeping with bloody clothes. Then it cuts to the outside of the church where we see a handful of survivals, some worse off than others I would say. We then go back to the alter with Rev Lovejoy just waking up from the sleeping darts. He sees the massacre that has taken place and immediately convicts Helen who attempts to deny, but alas it is in vain. Any sensible human being would know that she did it. Tim said “I am sorry Helen but in the name of the lord I have to lay you to sleep.” Her eyes reddened and her pupils enlarged. She said, “no one takes me without me taking them.” Out of instinct Tim grabs a knife that she left on stage and hurls it at Helen who then shoots him between the eyes, milliseconds before her throat is slashed by the knife. Amidst all of the carnage, police officer Eddy walks up to Helen, pulls out his gun, opens her trench coat and finds a picture of Russian Sponge Bob, a known serial killer. Behind this he finds a letter written in English but with a heavy Russian touch. The letter read as followed: “the next event you will be attending that will also be attended by a mass group of people conduct a massacre of as many casualties as possible, reinforcements will be provided.” It dawned on Eddy that Helen had been weeping as just minutes before, not because she was remorseful for what she had done, but because nobody had come to help her. Looking back at the letter, he noticed some writing behind it. For it was an unfinished letter, intended to be sent to someone known as the mob master. Finally, his eyes opened wide at this realization (for those of you too dumb to know what he just realized, he had become aware of the fact that Helen was secretly working for the Russian mafia - or in this case the soviet mafia as there was a red star on it). Eddy quickly exits the church stepping over Lou’s carcass on the way out. It then cuts back outside with Eddy walking out of the church. We see Wiggam now fraternizing out by the survivors, doing everything he can do to help. Eddy hops in his squad car and takes off to the office where he orders a plane ticket to Moscow, Russia. And then the episode ends. And then a commercial for a Catholic High School, which I will not name out of fear of being sued by the school, appears on the screen. What was strange about the commercial was that for a catholic spirit commercial the spirit they were advertising consisted of death, misery, gloom, sadness, death, and death. And then another commercial popped up with some guy dressed up as the devil advertising to sell your soul to the devil for free. Cut me some slack, it was the month of October, after all it is the month of Halloween.
Then another episode of the Simpsons begins and the only thing odd about the intro was that Maggie was dead and Lisa was sitting, wrapped in bandages in a contraption that looked like a cross between a wheelchair and a stretcher. We then see Eddy in Russia. On his head is a soviet fez with a Russian flag that was clearly printed off from the internet and posted over a Soviet star that was sown onto the hat. He also had a Soviet jacket with the stars too covered up and the flag clearly another print off from the internet. Eddy then pulls out a piece of scratch paper with a map from where he is to a red star marked “meeting spot.” He knows this is where the Russian mafia gang will most likely be meeting to watch the tape of Helen’s massacre which explains the camera he found while digging through Helen’s coat in the last episode which I forgot to mention. He gets into a rental car and begins to drive. The screen cuts back to Springfield where the Simpson family watch kent brockman speak of the recent disaster. Homer’s eyes widen and he quietly walks down to a secret computer behind a trap wall in the basement where he rattles off an email to the Russian mafia. Wait, was he the one who was supposed to help Helen carry out this massacre? He receives a letter back in English stating “you will be spared from your recent failure this time, but do not screw up again, we cannot afford another mess-up.” So he was supposed to be the one helping Helen. A look of relief appears on Homer’s face as he dons a soviet outfit and drives directly to an abandoned airport where a flight to a small city next to Moscow awaits him.
Eddy arrives in front of a building and hanging in front of the closed door is a dead pig, not decapitated but dead. Upon pushing the pig aside he noticed it had a cross on the back so it was likely to ward off evil spirits. He took the cross with him, opened the door which was unlocked, and entered an empty room. He noticed hinges at the far corner of the room and went to the corner of the room opposite of the hinges and pushed the wall back to find the Russian mafia gang with Homer watching the tape. He quickly opens fire on the gang before they have time to grab their weapons. He kills them all except only wounding homer who he brings back to the Shelbyville police station as the Springfield one is being used as a back-up infirmary.
It then cuts back to the Simpsons living room where we see Maggie alive, guess the doctors must have saved her, and Lisa looking remarkably better than last we saw her. They are watching the local news of how Eddie just single handedly took down the Russian mafia gang but make no mention of homer or his jailing or the fact that he was part of the Russian mafia. The episode ends with the normal credits but instead of the normal end theme it was a very drum heavy cadence with a thick static in the background. When the cadence ended, the screen stuck to static as did the audio. I woke up the next morning as the static had put me to sleep and noticed an apology message on the television that had apologized for an accidental airing of a Simpsons episode last night. The episode was titled “In Soviet Russia You Have No Friends.” Part one: Homers Decline. Part Two: In Soviet Russia you don’t work for mafia, mafia works for you. And that would be the end, have a nice (insert time of day here).
Created by pastey207. Co-created and typed by Dr. C