While I was walking home, I found a VHS tape on the sidewalk and ran home fast.

I put on the tape, which had a more familiar name. It was labeled "DUKEY AND FRIENDS - DUKES UP SPECIAL". I went like "Cool! I'm gonna watch the full episode of Dukey and Friends!" . All was about to change with one button on the remote called PLAY.

The full episode began with a white title card that read


It wasn't cool. It was the full video BEFORE the released full video. It then cut to the intro. After that, It zoomed out to reveal dukey watching TV in the living room. The living room looked entirely different and so did the dukey. He had freckles, and orange hair, and didn't look or sound at all like Dukey. Besides that, his name was Timmy. I assumed that this must be an early version of Dukey, and that the character had not yet been developed yet. I think it's not BIG Adventure.

"Come on Butt, let's go to school", said Timmy as he belted out the door. Timmy kept talking to Butt about their first day of the school year. Suddenly, a shadow fell upon him, and the screen cut to black and stayed that for 2 minutes.

Okay. Okay! Who the fuck was in front of Timmy?! Who was it?!

You know what, never mind. Go figure.

Then a title card came up saying "Rock and Roll".

It started with Dukey been given a message that he invited to perform a new rock and roll song, Dukey agrees and goes to help...

This is where things were off, Dukey's eyes were red and pupils were black. Dukey goes to his friends and says "YOU CAN ALL DO IT BY YOURSELF BITCHES!" (That really doesn't make any sense, it's just random) And kills all his friends and fucks their butts... Holy fucking shit! He's fucking corpses! He's being a goddamn necrophile right now!

Sperms shoots out of their assholes and Trace E. Doodles, a Lalaloopsy Color Me Doll walks in and says "Wanna draw our imaginations with me?". Trace E. Doodles? Trace E. Doodles wasn't supposed to be in Dukey and Friends! What the shit?!

Dukey rapes her too and then stops, and looks towards the fourth wall. He begins to walk over until his face is covering the entire screen. He gives this creepy smile. The video ends by cutting to static.

I tried to reach UK Gold, but all the calls are computer automated and they ask you bullshit questions.

Well, I took the tape out, and I threw it and the driveway. I took out a crowbar and SMASHED THE GODDAMN THING TO PIECES!

From this day on, I still have nightmares about the early DAF Dukes Up full episode.

Dukes Up? No! More like Fucks Up!

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